Trapped on the Inside

It’s late and I’m walking down a dark and empty street.

Alone.

It’s beginning to rain, the thunder is rolling off in the distance, but I just keep walking. Then I hear it, the footsteps. They’re rushed, and behind me, coming closer.

I turn around, and face the person behind me, but there’s nothing there. I slowly exhale, taking in my surroundings again; dark, cool, rain, silence. I turn around and carry on walking back to the outskirts of the city.

Tap tap tap.

Looking right, there’s people huddling in the alleyway, look left, fencing. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, footsteps approaching me, going through the puddles. I stop and turn, nothing, again.

Laughing silently, I turn around and carry on. Walking further into the darkness, away from the city lights, escaping everything.

“HELP ME!”

I hear someone scream, I stop moving and look around me, there’s nothing, not a single sign of movement or anyone else in the area. Then I hear the footsteps rushing towards me, “RUN!” The girl in the black jacket said to me as she grabs my hand and we take off.

“HELP ME!”

Suddenly everything changes, everything is spinning, nothing is straight. Then it just stops and I’m looking at the girl who’s still holding my hand.

“Why didn’t we help the person yelling for help?” I ask her distressed.

“You’ll help her, once you know how to help yourself. That’s you.”

“Me?” I look at her wide eyed.

“Yes, that’s you. I’m you. Don’t become me, please don’t.”

“What do you mean? What’s going on!” I pull my hand from her hold.

“That girl screaming is you, you don’t know what to do, you’re hurting, you’re grieving, and people keep abandoning you, this is all in your head, but everything that girl is screaming about is happening on the inside of you.”

“Then who are you?ˆ”

“I’m the one who you will turn into if you don’t sort through these things. I’m the one who will become one with the darkness, the depression. I’m the one who will kill herself, don’t become me. Help yourself.”

I stare at her blankly, “I killed myself?”

“You tried to. This is one of those cliché in your head before you wake up things. You either help that girl screaming, by helping yourself, or you become me, and don’t wake up.”

“But what if I don’t want to wake up?”

“That’s your choice. If you don’t leave me soon, you won’t wake up, kid.”

I slowly back away from her and turn around and start listening to the yelling.

Help me!

Please!

Oh, God, it hurts so much!

Just leave!

Are you serious about this or not, because I need to know! Because you can’t keep doing this to me! I just lost my sister, and you can’t come and go! You either stay, or you go and leave now!

Please stop!

I’m drowning.

I can’t breathe.

I could just end it all, I could…

There’s the bottle, just pick it up, be your parents.

Give into your weaknesses, become me.

Carry on, you can do it, I believe in you, Sissy.

Thank you so much, for everything. Live your life.

I start following the voices, left, straight, left, straight, straight, into the building, up the stairs, running, push open the door. There she is, the girl screaming, it’s me.

She looks up at me and presses pause on the recorded tape.

“Welcome. Glad you finally found me.”

“W-what’s happening?” I ask shaking.

“Do you stay or do you go?” She asks with a sad face.

“Go where?”

“Back to being conscious..”

“So, my choices are 1. Stay here, where I’m dead? Or 2. Wake up and face the reality of the empty hole in my life that just seems to get larger by each day because I keep pushing everybody away?”

“Yes. What do you choose?”

“If I wake up, I’ll be alive, and having to deal with things.  I don’t want to. I’m tired. I’m tired of people playing games with me, I’m tired of people lying to me. I’m tired.”

“Then don’t wake up.” She said with an eye roll.

“But, if I don’t then what happens to everyone else?”

“They carry on living, or they themselves might do the same thing, everyone deals with loss differently.”

“I choose…”

I gasp for a breath of air and sit straight up in my bed. I look around frantically, taking in my surroundings; sunlight, cats, white ceiling, dinging of my phone. I’m alive, just a dream.

Was it just a dream?